Yesterday I got the most beautiful, Christmas cheery bright red flannal jammies from my oldest sister for Christmas. They have Christmas cookie designs all over them!
There are dark blue stars outlined in white frosting with white sparkles on them, green and white Xmas trees with tiny yellow stars on top and frosted garland strips zig zagging on them, white stars with red sparkles, and balls with green, blue and red frosting. These designs look exactly like someone made them at home with their kids, and they remind me of that good feeling that comes when someone shows up with a little bag or plate of Xmas cookies when you don’t expect it. Pretty and Yummy.
I find it fabulous my dear sister would send me something so warm, so bright and so representative of the love we humans ritualize by making and sharing treats like cookies. It’s wonderfully ironic for me, because I am still using food in the place of love far too much and have experienced my obsessive and unhealthy dependency on food anew since Thanksgiving.
Today at Spin class someone I see there gave me a huge compliment about “how much weight you’ve lost” and “you look good.” I didn’t let this mess me up, because I have changed some things about myself and made heroic efforts to lose weight and become more healthy. But I was all too aware of how some of those changes were short term and cosmetic: I changed the way I dressed, got a decent haircut, and adopted a happier attitude. All useful, no doubt, in feeling and looking better. But there is still a lot missing from my life which has a clear link to my weight. From the inside out, I am still protecting myself with 60-70 lbs of excess weight. Me and Kung Fu Panda have something in common: A big protruding squashy gut up in front, pudgy inner thighs and hanging upper arms.
I’m fitter than I was 2 years ago at over 200 lbs. But the scale does not lie: I’m still well overweight at 190 lbs. I’m doing Jiu-jitsu, but I know the extra weight is taking it’s toll on my life and body.