There is No More

Well, the jury is in, I’m not well, or indisposed. What this really means is that I’m vaguely sick. I have a cough, congestion in my lungs, low level fatigue and aching in the body. It all seemed to start last Sunday, when I wiped a nasty looking brown fur off the top of my ceiling fan’s blades, all 5 of them. Disclosing this to my guy has resulted in him obsessing over a shop vac he used in the house to vacumm a room we put a guests in.

It could, in fact be the dreaded new scourge black mold, as I slept in that room a couple of nights after the guy left. It could also be that the dramatic change in our home feng shui emptying a room that has been clogged with stuff, which may or may not be my “Health and Family” area of my home Bagua. It would be quite perfectly symbolic to have cleared out stuff from a room I’d left clogged for years, stirring up black mold, getting sick from it when it symbolized Health and Family. The fact that the guy actually ASKED me permission to move the stuff out before his friend came, and moved the stuff BY himself PER agreement were miracles heretofore never experienced by me. He used to talk about taking a shovel and leveling the room, meaning he would throw everything out. But then again, it could be that the spare room is my “Knowledge and Self Cultivation” area, depending on how you stretch the Feng Shui diagram.

My nose started running, and respiratory congestion followed. I’ve been trying to minimize it all week, and experiencing more clearly how the way I handle my life on a daily basis is incredibly inefficient and obsolete, though familiar. I’ve managed, after all this time, to maintain a good level of comfort and brain chemistry since I did the “Mood Cure” several years ago. Having some of that taken away right now has brought me a huge gift, something I am now spiritually and emotionally able to recognize.

I am completely unable to keep up with the world via information, no matter how hard or fast I try to. Grounding through slavery to an idea of physical order in my life I can never attain or even approach isn’t working. It’s a strange irony, because I know this does not mean I shouldn’t clear away the clutter and deal with the physical arrangements of my life. I know that somehow it’s the mindsets and conditioned attachments which must change, a kind of “you can’t get there from here” sort of thing.

I know I spend most of my time in distraction and doing things which are repetitive that help foster an illusion I am holding together a life and a home. Certainly it can’t be said I have done nothing, but there’s a lot not happening in my life that should, even at this late date with the state of the world.

Everything in my life needs clearing out: my car, my shed, my spare room, my shelves, my body, and my heart. Today I need to deal with a traffic offense matter that is 2 days overdue. I’ve got 2 books overdue, one on having too many choices, and another on the paradox of time. I’ve had to slow down and make choices that are not MORE detailed and More More More. More is impossible, yet my mind keeps telling me I. Should. Do. More. More or BETTER.

Finally being able to admit I am under the weather, or sick, cannot DO MORE, is helping me right now. I’m not out of either the mindset or the compulsion, but being forced to slow down or be in pain has assisted me in not resisting the fact a change of perspective is needed. It’s interesting, right this moment, to actively be challenging the voice that is constantly saying: “YOU”VE GOT TO DO ALL THIS NOW. THINGS WILL NOT BE OK, HOLD TOGETHER UNLESS YOU DO IT AND YOU CONTINUE UNTIL EVERYTHING IS DONE PERFECTLY.” I’m not even sure I’m hearing it correctly, but I live as though I must fulfill this demanding voice completely. It’s really strange to discover I’m insane on the inside. I never knew this, being so deeply immersed in my unworthiness and endless escapes from feeling it.

I’ve found myself studying how to do a deliberate breathing practice for the gazillionth time. It’s become comic how much I want IT to be the answer. Then I turn IT into another way to tyrannize myself, rebel and don’t do IT. So obvious, so banal and so true.

About Shirley

I started this blog to expand and explore my rhythm horizons as a hand drummer. That exploration includes touching on the rest of my life and inner world as authentically and truthfully as possible.
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