My entry into the world of Women’s Grappling or Brazilian Jiu Jitsu is beyond the reality of my conditioned existence. “Rolling” is the term for grappling, as opposed to “sparring” in karate or other martial arts. This is because doing the grappling means you are indeed rolling around on the mat a whole lot, locked into embraces with your partner. There is a LOT of body contact. In two hours of BJJ there is more contact than months otherwise.
I know I am dissociating while I am attending my weekly, two hour class. The fact that I am “Rolling” with people on the mat, that is learning holds, chokes, escapes, reverses etc, just hasn’t really sunk into my feeling consciousness yet. I’m not able to feel much of anything at all being completely unfamiliar with all of it. I’m not very aware of where my body is in space, and I experienced fear during the last class I would hurt my partner with my weight and clumsiness.
The good news is that I am not at the mercy of any mental or emotional attachments yet, being fully engaged with just showing up and trying to be present. The bad news is that in time, if I survive without injury, there could be huge sweeping stored up emotional reactive bank storms waiting to come in and trigger off of anything and everything.
So far the studio seems like a safe place with children running around and the instructor and women in the class. Everyone is matter of fact about this whole deal, but I know I can’t assume I will fit in or be able to stay. I’m in a limbo of non feeling which is bound to change. I am overweight. I’m aware the weight is more than physical, along with some blatant overeating that I am doing. I seem to be moving from simply wanting to be stuffed with food for comfort and protection against my chronic unresolved problems and not being able to escape into it and stay at the same time.
Part of me wants to feel, wants to lose weight, wants to progress and process whatever has not been dealt with, and part is afraid of what will happen if I do feel. Today I feel number than I remember being and it feels somewhat uncomfortable and weird.
Further, my sense of smell has been gone for years, and I have no idea if I smell bad. I’ve paid for a gi of my own, but don’t have it yet, so I wear a borrowed jacket and belt which doesn’t cover my protruding midsection. The jacket gapes and the belt comes repeatedly undone. I’m unable to relate to the reflection of myself in the mirror. I have no idea what is going to happen or if I should continue right now.