Brain Fog Time Warp Cluster Fck

Today I tried to make it to a dentist appointment I thought I had at 11:30 am, failed to get going soon enough, did my best to get there in as fast I could safely, and arrived at 11:40.

I walked in feeling mostly fucked, because I had sent an email chastising the dentist and her staff for telling me I didn’t respect their time and was “insulting” because I didn’t lie the last time I came in for mold casting when they asked me if I had brushed my teeth that morning.

I came in and sat down in the waiting room. No one was at the front desk, and the dental assistant came in and said there was no appointment on the books for me. I knew something was fishy, went out to my car and discovered that not only was the appointment supposed to be at 12:30 instead of 11:30, I had cancelled it by email instead of one that was in August that I didn’t want to pay another $300 bucks for.

I had earlier told the dentist in person at a consult appointment that I needed to stop coming because of money and work issues. She had then cut some of the fee for the apt in August and offered to make me a no cost retainer for my missing tooth. AND she had not charged me the $155 I had been told I would need to pay for that consult.

I’m hypothyroid, possibly Hashimoto’s and Lupus bound, estrogen dominant, gut fucked up, swollen, overweight and have shitty skin. Almost every day, depending on what, how much, and when I eat, I pass out for any where from 1/2 an hour to 2, and when I sleep at night, I don’t sleep, I mini coma out at night, and no matter how much sleep I actually get, feel tired  in the morning and have a hard time getting up.  I’m often tight in the body, and I have high blood pressure, white noise in my left ear constantly, and tachycardia.

I’ve deliberately not gotten treated because I don’t trust either tests or doctors. I’m often flushed, and fatigued for no particular reason. I can walk and do mobility exercises, but anything else active is out of the question. I’ve spent a year online researching this and have now become so surfeited with internet health gabble and health hustles that I have pulled back from it. I know I’m doing damage to my body and am lucky I have not had a stroke, heart attack or collapse.

I paid an online  cellular detox coach way too much money and fucked off his protocol.  I wasn’t clear minded enough to insist the expensive, specially trained dentist get down to business and get the god damned mercury out of my teeth.  I’m aware hundreds of thousands of other people are suffering from this shit, but I’m not a happy camper about it today.

Still, I have a book another woman loaned me which has proven useful and some other sources, and I know I have to clean my god damned teeth twice a day. In spite of everything, the dentist did show they gave a shit by getting on my case about brushing. So now I know I’ve got to get real hardass and ask the hard questions about getting the mercury out of my teeth before I ever climb into a to a dentist’s chair  again: what will it take, how long, how much.

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Fit To Be Tied

Woke up this morning to the sixth or seventh version of the guy’s anxiety and indecision over signing the union list today for roll call.  He’s  40 days sober, basically what they call in 12 step “dry drunk” because without the constant anesthetic of meth, dope or alcohol, he’s back to the traumatized, confused, blindly impulsive, clinging and  lost inner child he’s been all his life. And every time he tries to get a sponsor, or get help, it goes badly, only confirms he can’t trust anyone or the world.

My one major beef with 12 step is all this “just get a sponsor and work the steps” mojo like they grow on trees. In ACA they say “slow down, breathe, ask for help”. There in lies the rub: asking for help from strangers who are as sick as you. How in the fuck does that ever work? Clearly it does for some people, proof is the  actual folks in the rooms who make it and can tell the story, get and have sponsors they continue to be connected with. The only sponsor that ever helped me was one who was worse  off than me, and would shelter me when I couldn’t be home with drinking crazy guy. I’ve never “done the steps” and had the recovery that is supposed to happen, so it’s hard not to assume it will never happen for me, no matter what I do.

I found myself tapping into deep rage this morning, irritated by the mendacity of the guy’s infantile emotional floundering over the same stuff I listened to for hours yesterday. He doesn’t want to work for the union anymore, having fallen off the world again in sober isolation, regressed back to abandoned, abused child, unable to imagine or remember what it’s like to be actually working, having somewhere to go during the day where you belong. At such times he ping pongs between trivial decisions as though tomorrow he will have no where to sleep and nothing to eat, because that is what happened to him numerous times, thanks to his insane and insufferably abusive family.

One of the real reasons I’ve stayed with the guy and supported him all these years was that he has always tried to work, always gotten back up again time and time again, and got his fucked up self out there to work. He has braved incredibly difficult, abusive job conditions, over and over again, only to have to leave situations and then deal with new, unknown ones again, sooner or later. Being in the union stopped the endless, obvious exploitation  of him  as a carpenter, from local, small time contractors who’d use him, pay him too little, and drop him, but it has continued the nightmare of chronic insecurity, masking it with the structure of organized labor.  Despite everything wrong with him, despite his long abuse of and dependency on me, he is a talented, hard working, brilliant carpenter who deserves a decent, well paying, sustained job.

While raging because he got up, played the same broken record and blindly obstructed me from using the bathroom so I could get the trash and recycling out, I tapped into my own despair and rage over the same issue: Never being able to get sustained work where I felt I belonged and was safe.  What’s up with that, GOD?

When I was younger I believed in a sort of natural selection: that if I couldn’t make it, I would just die, or kill myself, because that was the natural order of things. Then I didn’t make it, but I didn’t die, and I got tired of trying to plan my suicide and facing  just  how much nobody would care if I did kill myself. I kept on keeping on, continued to continue. And now I’m going to massage school. Doing something I never could imagine I could make a living from. I still don’t understand why I’m here, and if there is a god, what it’s got in mind for me. Deep down, I’m still really angry about my guy and my life. Despite everything, we NEVER deserved this fucking, endless mess. I hate it, and I hate living the LOSER life.

 

 

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Crazy Sober Bad Internet Addiction

There is nothing like trying to get things done at home while your partner dials up the most RACIST, MISOGYNIST, DEGRADING, DOOMSDAY SHIT on Youtube and chain watches it. It’s not like I’m not guilty of doing it, being ungrounded with too much time on my hands and having unfettered access to huge, GINORMOUS,  amounts of insanity on the net. I’m just starting to feel my compulsion to get online and endlessly fry my brain on too much information diminish now that I am making a point of getting outside almost daily.

I know why he’s doing it. He’s sober, but he is still  LOST, unable to come out of the deep prison/sanctuary of life ISOLATION. Isolation  of too much trauma way to early in his life and protracted through 50 years of not having anyone or anything be able to reach that deep strata of terrible, shattering and protracted grief over the horrible life he had to live over and over again. When he tries to trust anyone, he gets fucked every time, and he can’t hold it for himself, falls back into rage and terror and that INCOMPREHENSIBLE DEMORALIZATION  which no human wants to feel. The shattered inner child, unable to ever feel or be SAFE, because no one well enough could see the damage and create the right container long enough. Certainly, I’ve tried, at great cost, but my lack of internal health has tainted it all, and he doesn’t trust me because he doesn’t respect me.

He was attracted to Trump, voted for him, and is now obsessed with Vladimeer Putin. I know it’s the infant in him who longs for the strong man/uber powerful FATHER figure. He’s even said Trump reminds him of his father, and he didn’t spend a lot of time with his father, who  abandoned him by leaving his mother at 4, and who went off and had another family, rejecting him and his full blood sister after trying to have them live with him and his new wife, who was a horrible, abusive stepmother  and never wanted him or his sister around. She treated them like dogshit.

This is a vacuumn and a disaster waiting to happen, and I hate it. I am grateful for the cessation of verbal garbage and the using of substances, now reduced to cigarettes out the door and food, but I feel helpless and angry over the continuation of this limbo. He’s sleeping in, and I want to a) help him b) provoke him, knowing damned well he will not respond well to either.

I was openly rebuked a day ago, by an ACA program friend for sharing details about my guy and what is going on while we were waiting for another ACA person organizing the ACA retreat to meet us. She was delayed because her husband was “flipping out” and giving her an ultimatum: she could choose the marriage or the retreat. The man rebuking me was miffed that she was not on time to take things up to the retreat, not getting it that she was brave to tell us the truth about why she didn’t make the meeting or be on time with us afterwards.

The rebuke showed how much this person has labeled and judged me as a “codependent” in an abusive relationship who is JUST NOT DOING IT RIGHT. So much for maintaining the 12 step container of SAFETY and ACCEPTANCE so the truth can emerge with the PRINCIPLE of tolerance, patience and compassion.  If the truth be told, people don’t do 12 step programs because they are the least bit interested in developing spiritually or tolerating anything at all. They do them because they are desperate and their lives are out of control. But what is effective about 12 step is that people are encouraged to PRACTICE the principles in their affairs, something that can’t be forced on anyone.

And I have to concede that his point I need to focus more on myself and heal cannot be ignored in it’s truth. I can’t say I’m surprised he is sharp, fixated and harshly  judgemental under his main operating personality of charm and affiliation. He practices principles despite his moodiness, fears, and neurotic tendencies a great deal. And I have long been aware MOST, if not ALL people, even in the rooms do not want to hear about No Exit relationships where the degree of difficulty is beyond their imagination of what they can tolerate.

From that I know that I must pray and meditate, focus only on getting into massage school and then creating other gainful employment for myself, much as I simply DO NOT ACCEPT the idea that wanting and trying to help people in our lives is some sort of awful crime. While years of Al Anon, AA and now ACA have shown me why all this trying to obsessively help/control others is tainted by the insanity of our denying, sick culture, I do not believe in indifference.

I’ve been in one of the most extreme Detachment boot camps there is: Living with an extreme severe early childhood abuse survivor. And every woman friend I have that have had hard and extreme relationship challenges in their lives has done what all people do if forced to live with a protracted, non solvable situation: Made it OK inside of themselves to be able to endure it, naturally courting the chronic denial of society at large, immersed it what will fly, despite the prevalence of ideas to the contrary in our time.

I, in fact, believe it is our duty as decent human beings to try and do something about our suffering friends, lovers, relatives and world, though we must qualify what we do carefully, learning to divorce it from compulsive internal programming which is ineffective on only leads to more denial and bad shit. Love and Truth are hard to come by at the same time,  even in the rooms.

 

 

 

 

 

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The Just Walking Morning Feast

Lately I’ve been managing to get out and walk around the neighborhood where I live. It’s taken me literally 20 years to be able to do this type of walking which is about simple relaxation, just being outside, and basically strolling along noticing and experiencing things. Being physically compromised for over a year with gross hypothyroid-related obesity, tachycardia, hypertension and high blood pressure has finally brought me  down to the whole point of being in a body. I have now actually discovered and experienced the Joy of Being, which I finally RECOGNIZE as the “IT” I’ve been chasing through all kinds of other stuff that jest plain did not work.

I have discovered many useful things: One is, that if I give my obsessive and grasping mind some sort of counting or measurement task, it then behaves itself while I am walking by quieting down a bit. Today I put on the stopwatch, and counted how many cars were leaving for work, as it is the late commute window and my mind is concerned with inhaling pollutants from gas and diesel. The count was 18, walked for 25 minutes.

I greeted cats in windows and observed flowers, trees, plants, statuary, arrangements of small gardens, surprising details of things people use to decorate their homes and living spaces. No matter how many times I walk the exact route, there are always surprises, something special or unique that  shows itself. Today it was a slinky young tiger cat crossing in front of me, uttering occasional deep voiced cat murmurs as he walked, and I could see he was not fixed. One of my sort of rules is never to hurry, and rarely to interfere with things, so I did not pick up my pace to see where he went ahead of me. I was then rewarded with seeing him eating kibble on the porch  rail of a home with it’s resident, beautiful  cat chilling with him.

Yesterday it was a beautiful, jaunty little teenage gray and red fox coming down a grassy hill trail behind the clubhouse. I make a point of greeting all cats, dogs and wildlife, and markedly keeping my distance to show them respect. I actively observe, without effort, keep the obsessive mind gear on low or OFF.

More and more I appreciate everything I see, from wabi sabi, not so meticulous overgrowth, decay and under maintained places to the surprising beauty of what is clearly human intervention of the landscape. I hear birds singing, see people working on their cars, or homes, and even catch scents of plants with what has been a nearly nonexistent sense of smell. Now I practice smiling, lifting up my mouth to break up my aging and wrinkling, blotched skin face for short snorts of time. There is a method to my joker faced,smiling madness: according to countless sources smiling changes the energy in the body instantly, connects nadis and marma points, and affects the overall vibe of self positively and distinctly.

I am starting to get to know the statuary: this madonna, that buddha, that standing, prayerful angel. Gnomes and dwarves, dogs holding small baskets in their mouths. Bunnies. Pelicans.  A frog in coveralls. At one house, a broken, bright  blue giant slug. One home in my neighborhood has glowing, colorful,  solar powered butterflies that light up at night and a pair of wind wheels which rotate in opposite directions. There is a mysterious, metallic looking woman sculpture with her arms up above her head tucked behind a modest fence. She has starfishes on her body and looks vaguely HP Wellish, like she belongs in the deep sea. I love the small scale of these wondrous vistas of beauty, and the fact they are so accessible to me.

While I can tune down the obsessive mind, even get it to take a long coffee break, I don’t squash my curiosity, neither do I allow it to take over the wheel. So many of my negative beliefs about current, here and now reality are starting to erode. I lot of ” I can’t manage, the world is too fast and fucked up for me” gets to see that ALL THESE OTHER somewhat ordinary people are not only coping, they are managing to express themselves through their relationship to nature, beauty and their home. Of course the main question is “Who are these people and HOW do they do what they do?

So much of a chronic and deep “I Can’t” feeling is starting to collide with the reality of places overflowing with flowers in pots. There is too much evidence right beyond my doorstep that somebody is making it, somebody is not only living but thriving and growing food, flowers, and expressing beauty while they do it.

 

                                             

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Mea Culpa Friday

I feel a bit lonely this morning, have no idea why. Crazy sober guy is still sacked out in the back, will arise to see the chiropractor for the second time within the hour. My darling Daisy cat has already bugged me for attention and been her adorable, gorgeously affectionate calico self, and her presence and state of health alone is a miracle of epic proportion. I  feel adrift in a sea of things I really oughta getta done but not very connected or present enough for most of them.

This hypothyroid/cellular toxicity/high blood pressure/tachycardia bullshit, now a year old, is really TACKY. I’m sticky from mag gel and oil, ballooned out like a rotund human blimp with  nasty skin.I don’t feel like taking a shower and wearing clean clothing, much less paying over a hundred bucks for a damned haircut. The worst thing about my health is the uncertainty, doubt and confusion over the choices I have for medical advice. Recent events suggest I am so used to using dissociation to get through the day that I have practically ignored the brain fog and chronic, quite distinct fatigue I’ve been having to live with for over a year now.

I have a new couple of things to distract on, besides the choked vortex of too much health info courtesy of the prolific and high word falut’n seduction of Scott Sonnon: Ring mobility and Neuromapping. The siren call of it right now is tempting me to check out and drift, spend money on and fantasize about becoming some legendary, revolutionary, mobility coach that people can’t get enough of. I’m resisting it for now, but my resistance is pretty rickety.

The completely unexpected longevity of crazy sober guy’s sobriety(now over 30 days and counting), the distinct absence of tons of his usual paranoia, doom projection, corrosive hatred and unpredictable, massive obsessive compulsiveness about things, is throwing me for a massive loop. I can’t trust it, therefore, I’m having difficulty in getting a functional footing with it being here in my personal home world.

I so would like to be able to depend on it. Got to get my head wrapped around a different way of dealing with it, for dependency on anything rarely works out for me. I was blown away to read in the ACA red book that we ACA ers don’t trust a higher power because we project our parent’s flawed, abandoning authority on God. We don’t ask for help, having been ignored, minimized, made invisible, denigrated and shamed for having needs. And the kicker in my case was the seeming ok ness of our family, due to the covert abuse going on, the lies and the secrets and the maintaining of the image of it rather than it’s actuality. How in God’s name does anyone know the difference between the seeming and the actuality?

How does anyone NOT perpetrate it? How can I trust myself in the maze of my own self delusions, especially now with my chronic fatigue, brain fog, and pain? I have failed with an expensive dentist to get my needs met, failed to honestly deal with  the cellular detox guy I paid big buckos to, risked my health radically by not taking any medications or pain relievers.

 

 

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Holy Crap, Pinocchio

Sober crazy  guy has left the building! Mommy is very pleased to have the house to herself so she can try to  call her new food addict sponsor in peace without being overheard. He’s going to see if he can get his truck washed, and then bring it home to hand wax. He has 31 days of NOT DRINKING, and he’s not doing dope or meth, hasn’t for at least a year. BE STILL, MY HEART. Could this actually be the proverbial IT? Him actually becoming a REAL BOY?

New sponsor’s line is busy, not gonna text her without patiently finding out if she allows such a thing. Gonna have to look up her website, if she has one and do breakfast or intermittent fasting this morning without her.  I think this calls for a warmed up raw milk and  Shredded wheat with cultured goat butter and salt revival. I used to eat that when I had meunstral cramps for the calcium and salt.

Since I could not remember how Pinocchio is spelled, I looked it up on Wikipedia, and now am fascinated at the many entertainment renditions of the original story. But it’s a darned good metaphor for my guy. Wooden puppet, created in poverty. Long trouble filled mishaps for both father and son until swallowed by a huge whale named Monstro or “The Horrible Dogfish”. That would be all the addiction and traumatic abuse of fucked up families that never should have children but do. Pinocchio is deeply immature and unfeeling, which is how crazy guy survived the unbelievably traumatic environment(s)of his childhood.

I’ve ended up playing the all giving Blue Fairy, one of the biggest forms of female hubris that exists, and the fates do look kindly upon such a crime. The relying on abusive, grasping  people and being turned into a donkey and being enslaved…works perfectly for me and crazy guy. This represents being unable to discern who is friend and who is foe, and more importantly, how to deal with either and get real needs met in life safely. How to connect with life actually and thrive.

The idea of my guy becoming a REAL BOY is about him finally becoming able to feel himself and his real life without collapsing into one addiction or compulsive, destructive behavior after the other. And this could mean I could become a REAL GIRL and get a real life where I can feel, actually become me.

I feel as though I’ve been living my life inside of Monstro. For some time now, I’ve been asking for a vision from my higher power.
This just might be it. In ACA they talk about growing an inner loving parent in order to connect with the traumatized inner child part and discover the authentic self that is not the mess of compulsive coping patterns the false self is made out of. I sure hope it’s true, because I’ve had enough of the endless nightmare of confusion, doubt, fear and suffering.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I Am an Info Junkie

I think I am approaching a digital information saturation point. I don’t think I can take another shot at Facebook today or try to sort through hundreds of things I’ve saved regarding thyroid health, or look at one more crazy blurb on anything whatsoever. My brain is full and it leaks, I’m DONE.

I’m starting to recall the long, slow and agonizing process I went through to get used the world that got became taken over by fast information technology, starting with the internet. It’s insane, and now I finally can feel how addicted I am to it. No amount of information is enough.  I’m many years older and not so healthy. I’m going to have to find a way to create some kind of way of connecting with information differently, and have portion control, like they do in Food Addicts Anonymous. There must be other people dealing with this, and I’ve got to find out how they keep their brains from exploding and the endless distraction from ruining their lives.

I know I can’t just turn my back on technology and move out into the wild somewhere and live without it. But I can’t go on doing what I’ve been doing, which is spending copious amounts of my life trying to take in and sort through all that is available to me, letting IT be the center of my life.  I really don’t know what I’m going to do, but I know what I’m going to do today.

I’m going to print some stuff I had printed here at the library, send an email to a person I promised to forward something to, and then get off the computer and not look at it again today. I’m going to make myself get outside and possible go to a meeting tonight and unload the groceries in my car, and Cedarside the yard.  And I’m going to pray for guidance on this tonight.

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Crazy Sober

Right now crazy guy is outside washing his truck. It’s a (now very untypical) overcast coastal day and I can hardly believe what I’m seeing. Before he went outside, he oiled his boots and put them in front of our little heater. Before that he put on a  long, horrible youtube video about chem trails and how fucked we all are. When I   remarked on the fact whoever made that video had horrible, terrifying data  but no real efficient plan on how to change it, he didn’t go ape shit like he usually does, regarding me like an evil bitch who lives to rain on his Victor Von Doomsday parade for a change.

Who is this who’s inhabiting crazy guy’s body and brain? He’s more than 3 weeks off beer, and everything has been way too peaceful for about a week. He’s still anal, into fear and horror on Netflix. Nothing like vampires, zombies, homicidal  madness, apocalypse, with a little Pirates of the Carribean and kid’s films thrown in. Lately he’s joined me for short walks, hasn’t shouted “GET A JOB” at me for almost a month.

Yesterday, I accompanied him to Target, where he shopped for shirts  that fit him now that he has a big gut and is puffy and are Extra Large without endless up tightness and exhausting fussiness. He was able to drive, because  he’s SOBER, and he PAID for his own clothing. He admitted he was hungry after drinking 3 cups of coffee and starving himself all day hoping to lose weight,  but allowed me to fix him some cooked meat, broccoli and carrot sticks with blue cheese dressing after we got home. Even more amazing, he sat down and ate it. I don’t know if he’s still doing Tylenol pm, but he sleeps and he sleeps quietly. After over 30 years of trauma/drug and alcohol related night madness, the silence is deafening.

I can’t begin to hope that  this is what will last. but it’s a miracle to experience even briefly, considering the endless misery and suffering I’ve lived in for so long. One of the hardest and most corrosive things to live with over time is hate, no matter what the reason or why. Especially delusional, not about what is authentically true, hate. Right now I feel kind of confused, because I don’t have to flee the home to do any thing and get company. I’m lately able to actually be home and do things I need to with him around.

I’m doing my best to take advantage of this anomaly and do stuff, but I know it’s a mistake to get comfortable with it. In the past I would’ve spent a lot of energy trying to understand why this is happening, why it’s happening now and why it didn’t happen before, but that will waste energy I don’t have.

He’s washed clothing, now has actually learned how to shop for himself and us, is doing a chore here and there. He has a dental appointment for tomorrow and his DMV renewal test the day after. He’s wearing his new glasses to shop and drive. Someone pinch me, I must be dreaming. The end of the world has gotten strangely good for moment.

 

 

 

 

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The Single Point of Focus Practice

Today I’ve got a mission: it’s to not forget I have made the decision to learn how to focus on completing key tasks, even when I don’t know all that will be required to bring them to fruition. I’ve been confronting my seeming inability to achieve what I need to and leave the lotus la la land of my own LOSTNESS. I never wanted the life I have, though it has become a lot more peaceful than it used to be.

Focus is the thing I must master in a different way than before. I have found the word phrase and the mental concept which I can used repeatedly throughout the day: “Single Point of Focus”. Abra Cadabra, target ahead. It’s going to take a lot of failing and repetition but it will take root if I persist.

Wow. It’s tomorrow from when I posted the above, I have 9 minutes left to use this library computer and I have accomplished some key  steps of 2 SPOFS!  And it’s only 11: 32 am.  I certainly have not kept a completely single point of focus since I got up, but I have managed to NOT do a couple hundred of distractive things, cutting down on it.  Now I can focus and Re-focus on a next  SPOF while heading home and observing, without judgement in  my constant pattern of distracting myself.

It’s Day 4 of my SPOF practice, and I have had some success in making small plans for daily success. I made it to a mobility class yesterday with a beloved and very good teacher, which was  a big win. The temptation, when one task of a SPOF goal  has been completed, is to load up the camel with MORE.  My mother was always doing this to herself and us and Dad, and he used to really persecute her about it. Considering she was struggling with  hypothroid and ashma, was carrying the insane load of burden that all women are supposed to accept, I am now in the same catbird seat, so to speak.

I’m after something completely apart from “just” getting things done. I’m after finding a way to make a life hat is tnot this endless, self created, chaos  of too many things to do, too many choices and never enough time, space and focus to succeed. I know what is really the thing I need to discover is how to create my own sense of time and rhythm with my focus, just like I did with drumming and piano.  I know this is possible, and I’m on it.Today I got up, showered, did mobility and a tiny bit of yoga, with shivasana and a very brief sitting at the end in good time. I then tried to get my main 2 key SPOFs done and ran into trouble printing with one and some bullshit irritation and flack from the guy.

I expended some energy to get outraged at the guy, because he is blindly and stupidly fasting, eating crap, and doing high octane expresso coffee he brews, and Red Bulls, yogurt covered pretzels and cheddar popcorn. This is nothing compared to what he’s done for 30 ears plus, but I got all nasty in my internal place about what a god damned , vain, anorexic/bulemic addict he  is. Fortunately, I verbalized little of this wave of emotional toxicity, rode through his idiotic, relatively short verbal tantrum because I DARED to suggest he is in malnutrition again, and got more time at the computer to do what I need THAN I EVER HAVE.  He even verbalized his new goals to save 10 Gs and went off to handle his banking and buy himself clothing. This is freaking unheard of, much like Godzilla going shopping and being able to handle it ALL BY HIMSELF. Mommy got to stay home and do a buncha things she usually NEVER gets done because he was gone a while on his motorcycle.

Someday, Alice, I’m gonna go to the MOON.  I say this because I used watch Jackie Gleason on the Honeymooners glower at his wife as Ralph Kramden, basically threaten her with violence, and think it was normal and funny. Now I don’t, having lived the slave/whore/degraded female  being life for far too long now. Someday, crazy guy, I’m gonna leave you and go somewhere else, and I will be about as available to you as though I would be if I was on the Moon.

 

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Earth Day 2017

I’m really loving Earth Day today because something really surprising has happened. My guy suddenly is exhibiting symptoms of actually being ON THE PLANET, here and now!

It’s only taken 32 years of complete crucifixion on my part for this to happen, along with some GABA, a week of   no alcohol and a year and a half of him drinking so much beer that his torso has puffed out into a swollen mess and he’s been shitting stinking sulfur. The constant nightmares on alcohol might have finally been a factor for him to try quitting drinking for the gazillionth time, but there is no way of knowing.

He’s taken to standing up to things, like bearding his smart phone server last night for turning off his phone and the guys at the Taco Stand for not putting guac and sour cream on his super quesadilla two days in a row. He’s actually telling me his intentions and leaving the house to go DO stuff without ME and I don’t have to pay for everything. He’s making decisions, doing the math, setting goal. WTF God!  IS THIS ACTUALLY IT?

He’s begun paying attention to his Netflix and Sirius FM accounts, has cut some things off, altered, done some negotiation. Holy Crap Batman, are we seeing FOCUS and FOLLOW THRU here or what?

He’s figured out how many union job hours it will take to vest and get a pension in three years! He never believed it could happen before now, though he’s gone to a big conference, and taken courses with the union.

I’m certainly glad that now when I do daily house maintenance chores I don’t get bitched at and treated like I’m crazy for trying to keep our house from becoming  a  filthy mess. He’s still OCD as hell,  and negative, fixated on doom and  punishment, grasping control and perfectionism, it’s just reduced to the power of about 3.

Crazy Guy is suddenly acting saner, getting things done. Could he actually be growing a functional, mammalian brain? I’m sure I don’t know how to take this in, can’t feel it. I’m beyond being able to feel anything after standing against the endless, corrosive expletive deleted life of chronic abuse, chaos and dependency. I’m not sure I can trust my eyes, and it’s going to take a lot of time in not having to bear everything and hold things together to bring back most of me, which feels like a nearly complete stranger to me at this point.

I know I am really numb and the hypothyroidism, tachycardia, high blood pressure, grotesque edema, shitty skin and bloat don’t feel that great. I can’t imagine feeling in my body and good at this time, but I am grateful I am not a) dead b) had a stroke or heart attack c) am hospitalized and d) in excrutiating pain.

 

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