On Refusing to Fuse

Yesterday I was online on Facebook and a person I don’t know who had allowed me to friend them recently asked me if I would  real time chat with them. This person was  someone I’d asked to be friends with because they were listed as friends of  international drumming facilitators I admire and follow.  I’ve been increasing my friend requests to rhythm people and businesses involved with drumming because I want to learn more about what is available out there in the world. Plus it’s become clear using Facebook or other social media is a swift and powerful way  to increase contacts for everything.

Not too long into the chat, my new contact  asked me if I could come to where they were. This was confusing, but now I realize that the personal message I sent with the friend request may have given a stranger from a different culture a wrong  impression and affected them in emotionally risky ways.

The rhythm/percussion/drumming world has people of many different countries and cultures mixing through rhythm and there is great opportunity but  all this contact does not come without cost. Idle questions I threw out in the chat to this new contact led to some misunderstandings of exact context.  I was in a  conversational landscape I thought I could navigate easily and I now see I wasn’t correct in assuming that at all and drifting into dangerously  uncharted waters.

I was told by this new contact during this chat conversation  more than once we should become only friends who talk to each other,to   be careful, that we were strangers and so on, but they then began saying they wanted to hear my voice and talk on the phone. The request for this was repeated, getting stronger, and a red flag went up inside my head.  They were saying one thing and doing the opposite for reasons I could only guess at  but not know.  I got the “STOP- YOU ARE GOING THE WRONG WAY” alarm bell message.

I was saved by a perfectly timed phone call from my guy asking me to do him a favor in the next 15 minutes.  That was just too obvious a literal help and message  from the spirits, so I started to pull out of my minor trance and  exit. It also reminded me that the health level of my significant relationship is not that high, so THIS  WAS REALLY NOT A GOOD IDEA.

I’ve spent my life fusing with people and their unmet needs because I have been ignorant and lousy  at meeting my own.  Now more than ever I have no excuse for being careless about how I interact with anyone for any reason.  Projections negative and positive run rampant in our world, and they have wreaked havoc on mine to the point that I stopped feeling safe in any intimate relationship ever. I stopped caring about myself   to stop being in pain over not being able to get my needs met.

There was one moment of authentic feeling yesterday when I felt the pain of my loneliness and admitted to it with the  stranger behind a  picture on a computer screen. Tears came unbidden and splashed down on my hands which were typing on my keyboard. I can only hope they find what they are looking for elsewhere.

I’ve already spent a near lifetime being the emotional mother, sister, lover stand in for my guy. I settled for it out of complete desperation  and inability to be in a healthy relationship. And nobody respects or loves me for doing it. I am, in fact, disrespected and shunned  because of it. If nothing else, I can pass up volunteering for the position with anyone else.


About Shirley

I started this blog to expand and explore my rhythm horizons as a hand drummer. That exploration includes touching on the rest of my life and inner world as authentically and truthfully as possible.
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