Lately I’ve been doing early morning “SPIN” classes. Though I am not losing weight and my body has crept back up to 200 lbs, I feel so much better and stronger that I don’t want to stop sweating and moving a whole lot more. My outlook on my life and stuff that seems to be a never ending stagnant nightmare that I can’t solve is starting to change. I remember now that being young was fine, but I was happiest being a gym instructor, aerobics teacher and athlete because regular exercise of the not so mild type floods your body with adrenaline and creates stronger positive brain chemistry.
I listened to a webinar yesterday online about B-12 by David Rainoshek of Juice Feasting fame that I’d heard before which is clearly designed to sell B-12 patches( and I bought some). It made me feel there is hope, not only for me but the man I live with who has a traumatically induced eating disorder that results in uncontrollable negative moods and chronic malnutrition. He uses sugar and another substance that is not food to avoid dealing with healthy eating and the repressed traumas he never wants to feel or deal with. And he stays unable to fully function and I stay having to protect, provide for and buffer his uncontrollable negative moods.
This new feeling of well being and hope was further enlarged by a Yahoo article showing 26 different stories of stars who have rapidly lost or gained weight for roles and formally obese celebrities who have finally decided changing the way they eat and exercising regularly was better than being huge, miserable and looking like crap. I went to a yoga class right after the Spin class a bit tight in the legs. The class, a bastion of hot shot yoga fanatics and taught by a woman who delivers what her regular customers want, was full of advanced balancing poses I don’t particularly need or care for.
I ended up “modifying” a lot and skipping some of them, left a bit early after a short, self-induced shivasana to cool down, and felt refreshingly not so into yoga, which I’ve depended on to keep me from just seizing up and dying for many years.
It has now occurred to me I lost my way so many years ago with the not-so-optimum brain chemistry due to identity confusion and and ignorance about the true nature of my family’s covert failure to tell the truth about feelings. The hurt over floundering through my life and failing to attain what I needed for my own security and well being has been devastating. I have felt so completely betrayed by people whom I felt should have cared, known better and been there for me and weren’t, and the lack of trust in life itself became massive.
I’ve continued to chase well being even though I have lived in hopelessness for so long I don’t know what it’s like not to be oppressed one way or another. Just going to the fitness studio and seeing so many people who feel good enough to do a Spin class at 5 or 7 am is still something that is surprising to me, but helps me keep going. I’ve been so confused, indecisive and distracted that it’s a way of life and I don’t like it at all. I’m beginning to think that feeling physically good is not some kind of luxury but a necessity for me, and I’m excited that I’ve re-discovered it.