The guy’s off to his work, and I’m sitting here in my pajamas with a cup of my homemade beef broth and a mild pineal gland ache. Sun’s up with a nicely bright golden glow on a dripping wet, somewhat cold world. My right little finger is sore at it’s very base, has been for several days. I report these details now to prove to myself I am starting to pay attention daily to myself, specifically my body and how i/it feels sensation wise.
I have committed myself to focus this year on Tuning In to myself with a capital T. This idea, as absurd as it sounds, is because I am still living a life of paralysis in 3 major areas of my life: money, work and health. Though I am clear on what my “self” needs and wants, I know how I live and be is keeping me in that paralysis, and I’m clear that it’s my mindset who is the culprit who’s been enslaving me.
When I woke up this morning I had a dry mouth, minor throbbing and heat in various parts of my body and felt knocked out and groggy. This was in contrast to the guy, who woke up full throttle and started babbling without filters while he got himself off to work. I wallowed for a little while in a hate and fear filled feeling of powerlessness, my default setting for life, managed not to completely withdraw or say some snark-laden thing to the guy. This was an internal victory of epic proportions.
It occurred to me to use Jim Carrey’s now viral comment from his commencement address to a graduating class at Mahareishi University that everything happens FOR us instead of To us; and to deliberately shift myself into regarding all this as an OpporTune-ity. I wasn’t aware of the play on words with “Opportunity” until now though I had waggishly already decided to call this year 20-6 tune. Silly but catchy and simple, something I can remember easily.
As Pollyannaish as this now sounds, it worked. I believe I am now dealing with a false self who was constructed to survive in a vibrational personal universe of world and family which no longer exists but continues to operate like a rogue nuclear submarine drifting in open seas. And I’m not pretending I feel the least bit capable of dealing with whatever is going to happen with me now, but I am aware enough not to just continue stupidly head butting my self against That Which Is Keeping Me No-Here. I’m gradually getting it that if you are No Here inside, where y0u are can be irrelevant. It’s one of those metaphysical paradoxes.
I focused on playing the classic rag I’m studying and practicing in my head to relax for the rest of the morning until the guy was launched. My daily piano practice is very new, and not necessarily rooted yet, but practicing the specific music I am working on is like a little velvet monkey wrench which turns off the reactive mind. Lately I seem to be hearing more people at meetings confess how completely at sea they are with being able to focus and cope in this current reality. I love having company in this truth and wonder where the heck have they been all my life.
Now I’ve got to go and deliver the Smart Wool Beanie and glove liners the guy forgot to take to his work site. I’ll do it remembering how he used to be so out of body and stoned he would never take care of himself or wear stuff to keep warm, and then I’d have to deal with him being very sick. But then, he was periodically forced to be homeless and “out in the cold” by his insane family for years, so he has a default of not feeling or being with his body also.
Now here’s the good news: I am not, at this moment, obsessively cleaning my house knowing every second that I can never clear it enough into eternity. I am not obsessively exercising somewhere while mentally obsessing about planning my day and cramming all I can into it while knowing I can NEVER do enough, be ENOUGH. I am not on the internet obsessively surfing for THE ANSWER. I am not focusing on being afraid, very afraid about the appointment I have later today. I am not at the piano studio practicing, like I normally would be. I am telling myself right now, as I prepare to simply deliver some wool stuff to my guy, that there is enough time for me today and that if I don’t do EVERYTHING PERFECTLY, I will not suffer and die or lose my mind. I will, however, get the two rugs which look filthy vacuumed.