Yesterday I had trouble internally getting myself to Grappling Class. There is some sort of vague doubt and shame that creeps in if I’m not feeling on top of getting there. I’m aware that this has little to do with the actual situation. No one gets on my case if I am late and says ” you Are late” in an accusatory tone. It’s like a part of me is waiting for persecution, looking for a way to be wrong, bad and quit. The good news is that I’m not surprised something like that is showing up. I think I can count on there being further internal resistance, sabotage, fear and distortion coming from within.
I’m beginning to feel how much I want to lose weight every time I face the warm up period, which while brief, makes me breathless, dizzy and sweaty almost instantly. It exposes my lack of fitness and makes me experience my over weight the way it really is. I’ve created a comfortable denial around it by wearing a lot of spandex, having a good haircut and highlighting, wearing jewelry I like, exercising enough to feel ok not having to do much and basically never looking in mirrors and connecting with how I really look.
During the class, we went into some more cross handed chokes, combined with escapes, ones where you have to get your hands fully wrapped around the neck of the person you are choking. I am choke challenged big time. The whole thing seems excessive, weird, and alien. Besides having to literally burrow around the neck into the back collar of the person you are choking to get a grip, there is this angling the hands, wrists and forearms to cut off blood to the side carotid arteries. I had two women helping me work on this, coaching me and being patient.
I noticed I was uncomfortable with them being so good to me, and I was looking for ways to just cop out and stop. I’m awkward. My mitts are small and they can’t seem to get the grip right. I’m afraid I will make a mistake and hurt someone. None of it feels right, and I struggle to exert enough correct force to get my partner to tap out. Some part of me is telling me it’s impossible for me to do this, though the women teaching me certainly can. I can still feel soreness on the sides of my neck where they have clamped and choked me quite efficiently.