Today I was driving my car past the Harbor Village shopping area that is close to where I live. A woman with a dog was walking towards a crosswalk on the road ahead of me. Her dog was loose, and NOT ON A LEASH. He started to cross the crosswalk as I was coming up on it in front of her. She gave me a face and a pushing her hands downward gesture, mouthing the words “SLOW DOWN” as I passed.
I was infuriated, hit the horn and flipped her the bird. Why? Because a couple of days ago, I had some man in the mobile home park where I live do the exact same thing at me. He didn’t have a dog, was putting trash in his garbage can, and did the face, the gesture and the mouthing just like her.
I’ve lived in the park for over 10 years, own a home there, and I’m what I believe is a careful driver. The park is loaded with small children, cats, dogs and people not paying a whole lot of attention to where they walk and I have never come close to harming any of them. In both cases, I feel I was not going fast enough to warrant either of them having to react the way they did. Yet I don’t know exactly how fast I was going or the speed limit. Looks like I’d better pay attention to both of those things and make some changes.
I notice I’ve been using the first incident to get riled up and pissed off. I’ve been revisiting it in a way I know is not a good idea. I see this as a warning that the adrenaline I’ve been building by exercising more is leading me into a minefield of long repressed toxic anger. I know for a fact I am undeveloped and rabidly immature in how to handle my own natural aggression. There is no way for me to deny that is why I live with a man who has chronic unmanageable rage.
So I prayed to erase my reactive thoughts and ideas about those people making me out as some sort of threat to them on my way to drum class. Before I got to class, I prepared myself for anything bad to happen that could trigger me. I figure there is a higher spirit trying to get my attention, and if I don’t pay attention, things will get way worse in ways that will be quite painful for me.