There is nothing like trying to get things done at home while your partner dials up the most RACIST, MISOGYNIST, DEGRADING, DOOMSDAY SHIT on Youtube and chain watches it. It’s not like I’m not guilty of doing it, being ungrounded with too much time on my hands and having unfettered access to huge, GINORMOUS, amounts of insanity on the net. I’m just starting to feel my compulsion to get online and endlessly fry my brain on too much information diminish now that I am making a point of getting outside almost daily.
I know why he’s doing it. He’s sober, but he is still LOST, unable to come out of the deep prison/sanctuary of life ISOLATION. Isolation of too much trauma way to early in his life and protracted through 50 years of not having anyone or anything be able to reach that deep strata of terrible, shattering and protracted grief over the horrible life he had to live over and over again. When he tries to trust anyone, he gets fucked every time, and he can’t hold it for himself, falls back into rage and terror and that INCOMPREHENSIBLE DEMORALIZATION which no human wants to feel. The shattered inner child, unable to ever feel or be SAFE, because no one well enough could see the damage and create the right container long enough. Certainly, I’ve tried, at great cost, but my lack of internal health has tainted it all, and he doesn’t trust me because he doesn’t respect me.
He was attracted to Trump, voted for him, and is now obsessed with Vladimeer Putin. I know it’s the infant in him who longs for the strong man/uber powerful FATHER figure. He’s even said Trump reminds him of his father, and he didn’t spend a lot of time with his father, who abandoned him by leaving his mother at 4, and who went off and had another family, rejecting him and his full blood sister after trying to have them live with him and his new wife, who was a horrible, abusive stepmother and never wanted him or his sister around. She treated them like dogshit.
This is a vacuumn and a disaster waiting to happen, and I hate it. I am grateful for the cessation of verbal garbage and the using of substances, now reduced to cigarettes out the door and food, but I feel helpless and angry over the continuation of this limbo. He’s sleeping in, and I want to a) help him b) provoke him, knowing damned well he will not respond well to either.
I was openly rebuked a day ago, by an ACA program friend for sharing details about my guy and what is going on while we were waiting for another ACA person organizing the ACA retreat to meet us. She was delayed because her husband was “flipping out” and giving her an ultimatum: she could choose the marriage or the retreat. The man rebuking me was miffed that she was not on time to take things up to the retreat, not getting it that she was brave to tell us the truth about why she didn’t make the meeting or be on time with us afterwards.
The rebuke showed how much this person has labeled and judged me as a “codependent” in an abusive relationship who is JUST NOT DOING IT RIGHT. So much for maintaining the 12 step container of SAFETY and ACCEPTANCE so the truth can emerge with the PRINCIPLE of tolerance, patience and compassion. If the truth be told, people don’t do 12 step programs because they are the least bit interested in developing spiritually or tolerating anything at all. They do them because they are desperate and their lives are out of control. But what is effective about 12 step is that people are encouraged to PRACTICE the principles in their affairs, something that can’t be forced on anyone.
And I have to concede that his point I need to focus more on myself and heal cannot be ignored in it’s truth. I can’t say I’m surprised he is sharp, fixated and harshly judgemental under his main operating personality of charm and affiliation. He practices principles despite his moodiness, fears, and neurotic tendencies a great deal. And I have long been aware MOST, if not ALL people, even in the rooms do not want to hear about No Exit relationships where the degree of difficulty is beyond their imagination of what they can tolerate.
From that I know that I must pray and meditate, focus only on getting into massage school and then creating other gainful employment for myself, much as I simply DO NOT ACCEPT the idea that wanting and trying to help people in our lives is some sort of awful crime. While years of Al Anon, AA and now ACA have shown me why all this trying to obsessively help/control others is tainted by the insanity of our denying, sick culture, I do not believe in indifference.
I’ve been in one of the most extreme Detachment boot camps there is: Living with an extreme severe early childhood abuse survivor. And every woman friend I have that have had hard and extreme relationship challenges in their lives has done what all people do if forced to live with a protracted, non solvable situation: Made it OK inside of themselves to be able to endure it, naturally courting the chronic denial of society at large, immersed it what will fly, despite the prevalence of ideas to the contrary in our time.
I, in fact, believe it is our duty as decent human beings to try and do something about our suffering friends, lovers, relatives and world, though we must qualify what we do carefully, learning to divorce it from compulsive internal programming which is ineffective on only leads to more denial and bad shit. Love and Truth are hard to come by at the same time, even in the rooms.