On July 4th I was with my guy and we went and bought fireworks, walked on a local beach and basically had a good time. But he has an injured leg that has not healed completely yet, and he was wearing his heavy work boots, so he accidentally injured himself by stomping his feet to get beach sand off. When we got home, he got angry. I got out of the truck, took the fireworks inside, and had a piece of gluten free toast. He went into the back yard and started going nuclear. I heard this FFFFUCK ring out loud, and when I looked back there he had the mad dog hate look on his face. I did not wait for an exploration into whatever he was triggered by. Lately it’s been just about anything and everything. I got one of my drums and a chair and left in my car.
I drove a ways, checked out the Legion for music, which was going on, then meandered around a shop area. I saw my guy in a truck driving on a main road where I was waiting to turn onto. He passed by me sitting in my car. I turned in behind him at the light, only to see him floor it and turn left when the light turned green, screeching his tires. I got the message: I hate you, fuck off. Leave me alone you BITCH.
I headed straight and called a friend to ask if I could stay over. They said yes.
I dozed at the beach in my car, then practiced playing afro cuban bits on my drum. I looked up an Al Anon meeting and went. It was only 3 other woman, but perfect. Then I journeyed to a friend’s house and had a peaceful and safe evening until I went to bed on the floor. My cell phone stayed completely silent. I didn’t worry. They next morning, I got up and hit an early morning 12 step meeting I usually go to. My guy showed up, sat next to me, and declared himself an alcoholic. Something I never thought to see ever. I attached nothing to that, knowing it would be a mistake for me to assume he was not drinking or going to do anything in particular with 12 Step. The weekend went by, not a terrible weekend, but not necessarily that good either. The guy has a lot of stirred up stuff going on. He’s damned unhappy.
Today, I left in the morning earlier than I needed to because of the vitriol and seething bitterness flooding the airwaves at me from Mad at the World Guy. As I was getting home, I noticed his truck was gone, and I got a phone call from a woman in a medical office. She said my guy had come in and gotten very agitated and angry, stormed out. She was trying to explain the charges for a pre-operation bill he has. I knew he’d decided the charges were false and they were trying to bilk him. Not a minute off the phone, he drove in the driveway in a raging rush. I stayed outside in the driveway. He banged around inside the house, swearing, then came out to tell me he will sue the medical office. I offered to try and look up when he’d gone. This fell on deaf, raging ears.
I got into my car and left, thinking maybe it was time to call the shelter and leave for good. Not a half hour later, he called me and apologized for yelling at me. I could hear something had collapsed inside of him. He was already talking about just paying the bill. I went on and handled some other chores. He called me again and asked me to pay the bill and apologize to them, promising to pay me later. For the moment, he was aware that he is unable to control himself and is mad at everyone. I’m completely blown away. The story is not over, and the shelter awaits.