Today I’ve got a mission: it’s to not forget I have made the decision to learn how to focus on completing key tasks, even when I don’t know all that will be required to bring them to fruition. I’ve been confronting my seeming inability to achieve what I need to and leave the lotus la la land of my own LOSTNESS. I never wanted the life I have, though it has become a lot more peaceful than it used to be.
Focus is the thing I must master in a different way than before. I have found the word phrase and the mental concept which I can used repeatedly throughout the day: “Single Point of Focus”. Abra Cadabra, target ahead. It’s going to take a lot of failing and repetition but it will take root if I persist.
Wow. It’s tomorrow from when I posted the above, I have 9 minutes left to use this library computer and I have accomplished some key steps of 2 SPOFS! And it’s only 11: 32 am. I certainly have not kept a completely single point of focus since I got up, but I have managed to NOT do a couple hundred of distractive things, cutting down on it. Now I can focus and Re-focus on a next SPOF while heading home and observing, without judgement in my constant pattern of distracting myself.
It’s Day 4 of my SPOF practice, and I have had some success in making small plans for daily success. I made it to a mobility class yesterday with a beloved and very good teacher, which was a big win. The temptation, when one task of a SPOF goal has been completed, is to load up the camel with MORE. My mother was always doing this to herself and us and Dad, and he used to really persecute her about it. Considering she was struggling with hypothroid and ashma, was carrying the insane load of burden that all women are supposed to accept, I am now in the same catbird seat, so to speak.
I’m after something completely apart from “just” getting things done. I’m after finding a way to make a life hat is tnot this endless, self created, chaos of too many things to do, too many choices and never enough time, space and focus to succeed. I know what is really the thing I need to discover is how to create my own sense of time and rhythm with my focus, just like I did with drumming and piano. I know this is possible, and I’m on it.Today I got up, showered, did mobility and a tiny bit of yoga, with shivasana and a very brief sitting at the end in good time. I then tried to get my main 2 key SPOFs done and ran into trouble printing with one and some bullshit irritation and flack from the guy.
I expended some energy to get outraged at the guy, because he is blindly and stupidly fasting, eating crap, and doing high octane expresso coffee he brews, and Red Bulls, yogurt covered pretzels and cheddar popcorn. This is nothing compared to what he’s done for 30 ears plus, but I got all nasty in my internal place about what a god damned , vain, anorexic/bulemic addict he is. Fortunately, I verbalized little of this wave of emotional toxicity, rode through his idiotic, relatively short verbal tantrum because I DARED to suggest he is in malnutrition again, and got more time at the computer to do what I need THAN I EVER HAVE. He even verbalized his new goals to save 10 Gs and went off to handle his banking and buy himself clothing. This is freaking unheard of, much like Godzilla going shopping and being able to handle it ALL BY HIMSELF. Mommy got to stay home and do a buncha things she usually NEVER gets done because he was gone a while on his motorcycle.
Someday, Alice, I’m gonna go to the MOON. I say this because I used watch Jackie Gleason on the Honeymooners glower at his wife as Ralph Kramden, basically threaten her with violence, and think it was normal and funny. Now I don’t, having lived the slave/whore/degraded female being life for far too long now. Someday, crazy guy, I’m gonna leave you and go somewhere else, and I will be about as available to you as though I would be if I was on the Moon.