Last night, as I watched “Dead Poets Society” for the third time, I discovered I had left my stodgy old Dell PC on without realizing it. I paused the DVD player, got back on the internet, and began looking for material about fat and what it symbolizes in Jungian symbols. Years ago I bought a number of books by female Jungian analysts I could barely read or understand. The most notable of these were Sylvia Brinton Pera and Marion Woodman. Woodman had a great deal of material on women, femininity, and eating disorders. Other books examined Scapegoating, taken from an actual ancient jewish ritual, and there was more nearly incomprehensible bad news about being female and “medial” in a book called “The Cassandra Complex”.
Though it was like trying to read an alien language, I stubbornly kept on periodically reading the books and trying to use some of the ideas and images in countless process paintings. I paint concrete things, not abstract, so what I would end up painting were attempts at depicting literalized symbols. This was all an attempt to tap in to my inner archetypal self, get down to the deep inner stuff beyond my conscious mind. I also made clay masks which were molds of my face and tried to help deal with my endless inability to mature or get anywhere. Last night I had the real and current appearance of my body in my mind: My body is encased in a rounded, soft,swollen casing of water and fat. I am carrying about 50 lbs of extra weight, which hangs in folds off my body in too many places
Then I began to recall a recurring theme in all those Jungian books about “Covert and/or Emotional Incest”. I started looking that up and found it roundly defined and discussed on the web where in the past it was vaguely referred to and not very often though touched on a great deal in the Jungian texts by many women analysts. I ended up reading about some horrific examples of such abuse, which I now believe is a completely inadequate term to use for any of this kind of shit.
And I’m newly appalled at the tremendous societal, familial, cultural denial and ignorance about it, along with the secret war of women against women. I consider childrearing and parenthood in it’s present state to be one of the most barbaric, stupidy-ridden atrocities of all time. I’m now absolutely certain NOT marrying, NOT having kids and perpetrating this madness has been a must for me, despite the desperate and somewhat awful life I have had to live.I look at the man I’m with, at the people I know, and every single one of them is a product of insanity that is far from minor: alcoholism, drug addiction, severe traumatic abuse, incest, and the blind conditioning of thinking marriage is a thing to do.
I’d do paintings, read the books, have no one I could actually discuss any of it with, be roundly misunderstood and ignored, and I’d sink further into despair. It’s different for me now, I’ve grown into a better place despite great and prolonged, unwanted suffering and struggle.
I also have swam my way through clinical psychology and psychiatry and found them wanting, because there is too much playing god stuff involved with even the most minor definition of what is mental illness. Where I have finally found useful information about so called mental illness is with the orthomolecular pioneers who have learned how to treat deficient brain chemistry with mega vitamins.
Clearly now there is a critical mass of SOMEONE out there who have defined and tried to work with so called “Covert/Emotional Incest”. I’ve now seen a few actual approaches where some therapists have actually cared. Most rest in their definition of the pathology, which by the very nature of it’s terms and attitudes identifies, separates, and sets apart the “victim” from the world of the diagnoser. I call it the “Boy are you fucked” syndrome. It’s like a social quarantine for something that is so rampant and interwoven in our culture that it makes the diagnoses a fetter that the “victim”, if she or he gets healthier, eventually has to break out of and escape.
I’ve had some good help and support from therapists, but I’ve also been exploited, confused, and put down by others. I’ve wasted a lot of time and money trying to get help for me and help for my guy from therapists who had no conscience regarding their success or failure. They dont’ have to give a fuck because people who go to therapists are desperate and vulnerable. They get away with failure all the time, and they get paid regardless.
I’ve floundered in Al Anon and AA for years, lost in the even more amateur delusions of people there, many of which have no business sponsoring anyone in the deep and swirling waters of subconscious projection.
But I am clear on one thing: Our Society and human Culture is one big series of “Covert/Emotional Incests, with the attendant denial, amnesia and maintenance of the masquerade of it all being something else normal and healthy. It sheds once more a light on why I still can’t “STOMACH” a lot of things in my life, self and world.