I was pretty fed up last night with the raving lunacy of drunk guy last night. He was fussing and yakking about the cat, I’d endured it all day and beyound, and I said that he needs to stop drinking. He didn’t take this well, went right into attack on how I eat and my weight. He actually said he doesn’t say anything about my eating habits, weight and health problems, and I blew that bullshit to smithereens point blank, saying he abuses me when ever he feels like it, which is true., and then I left and went to an Al Anon meeting. He had made having a peaceful, video watching evening impossible by constantly interupting it with drunk blabbering nonsense and emotional garbage.
I was annoyed and not particularly trusting of Al Anon, feel like it’s practically useless, though I wrote and shared and actually paid some attention to feeling my frustration and distress. It has occurred to me lately that if I just got a decent paying job I could stand and keep, a great deal of shit in my life would improve. This year has been the first in more than 30 that the guy has actually paid attention, voiced that, that I “SHOULD” get a job. And after all the failure at doing that thing, it feels absolutely not possible, has been the biggest source of shame and terror all my life, though living with an abusive, suicidal drunk who hates living has been a close second.
When I got home after the meeting, a rainstorm was winding itself up, and the guy was still up in front of the screen and snarkily fussing about the cat. I noticed I couldn’t find my wallet, realized I might of left it earlier in a shopping cart, and left to see if I could get it back. Sure enough, it was at the market I frequent, and they happily got it for me and I drove home in the rain. When I got home, the guy was firmly passed out in the back,the rainstorm was raging full bore, and there was no sign of the cat. FINALLY!
I was able to recognize this gift, turned on the computer, and listened to an audio program with earphones and come out of my feeling of paralysis . The program is about making a fundamental choice to be happy, focusing on flow, and creating an inner enironment of happines. I reasoned as I was going to bed that I could do this by trying something I have long heard Jim Carrey used to become a success in his own life: He wrote himself a check for 10 million dollars, carried it in his wallet for years until it fell apart, and wrote another he put in his father’s pocket when he died.
It instantly brightened me up. It ook away all my fears and doubts about everything. I don’t even want an actual 10 Million, though I would take it if I could have it. My 10 Million is just for me. If I had it , I would start out by keeping it completely secret from everyone and everything. I began by thinking about what I would do if I had it and how it would feel to be completely beyond all my insecurites. It was wonderful, very empowering. I tried some ideas on for size: I’d do all my health stuff: my teeth, my heart, my thyroid, my hormones. I’d go to massage school and get certified, for sure. I’d start some accounts for my neice and grand nieces on the sly. I’d take Target Focus Training before it ends in July, and go to that Scott Sonnon N map thing in October. These are things I’m fairly sure I want.
Then I began reviewing options for finally dealing with drunk guy. I wasn’t surprised, having mentally traveled those roads for so many years, that it was easy to get lost. I imagined leaving and taking the cat. I imagined leaving and not taking the cat. I imagined having someone move in and be there to make him get sober and deal for some big time definite way. I also imagined being able to get a job from a place of fearlessness because I didn’t hae to worry about money, making fatal mistakes, and being stuck with something that was fucked up. I imagined also, researching an environment and/or job for him like a true investigative journalist, and then arranging for him to wake up somewhere out of a black out that would put him a position where real transformation would be inevitible. I imagined what it would be like to have him gone for 3- 6 months and actually have my home be MY home at last without him, what I would do with my home. I dutifully thought about all the things that ought to be done, or pay to have someone else do. Clearing, Cleaning, replacing. Sorting, discarding, the BIG LIFE getting it together. It seemed like a lot of work, not sure I wantedt to bother at all, but I stayed in my happy space of inner freedom and fell asleep. I imagined not fixing anything, just getting all my stuff out of there and being somewhere else.
This morning I felt somewhat grounded, was on time to setup chairs before a meeting, listen and play piano. I’ve had a vision of making a container of many beautiful hearts, and I envisioned making drawings and effigies of all the men I know in the rooms who have hearts and have gotten sober and real against big time odds after long term slow ruination by drugs and alcohol. I want them all to weep along with my guy when he starts feeling what he’s been running from all his life; the horrible grief over the traumatic abuse, shame and abandoment he experienced around the age of 4. I have imagined placing vibracional magnets on my guy, to draw him into the inner circle of places where men who are sober weep with and for men who are not because they have been so overwhelmed and shut down all their lives, as they tell their story and FEEL, visible at last to other males who will not hate, hit, denegrate and crush them. I reason that IT HAS TO EXIST, or the men I see and feel and hear in the rooms would not be who they are.
When I’m in my 10 Million Dollar Space and feeling free, I ask myself what I want to create the most, and it’s not easy to answer. Yet it is SO different to be free of all the endless anxiety I spend most of my time escaping. It seemed apparent this morning I am not my confusion, my despair and lostness, and I began to see perhaps a great deal of it is living with someone else who is so deeply PTSD and compromised, that has clouded my world for far too long. I am wondering what I would be like if I could go do something in nature for several weeks or more, how I would feel and be. And I am determined not to forget this creating my inner environment stuff, continue to work it. How wonderful to be worth 10 Million Dollars just for existing and because the Universe happens to love me.
Fear, shame, and doubt has warped my life continuously for far too long. I see people all around me, working and living and having jobs and despite, everything, being OK and even GOOD. THERE HAS TO BE A WAY I can succeed and have satisfaction at last.